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May. 21st, 2008

gone, baby, gone

 It's been a couple of weeks of peace and quiet. Pretty good. Except for all the stuff that they left behind. And the disgusting messes I have had to clean out of their former space. The refrigerator was probably the worst as far as effort needed and smell, the toilet is the worst as far as making me want to puke. And the damn technicolor nightmare bathroom...I have the paint to redo it, it's just how much work is going to be required to unscrew the whole thing. But it must be done because my sister will be staying down there during the big family visit in June.

I am not looking forward to all the family plus the sil in all her drama queen regalia. She is completely focused on herself, completely selfish, and has, many times in the past, completely subverted family gatherings into her own show. For every story or anecdote someone has, she has one better (or worse, so much horribly worse than anything you ever had). She spends her time trying to take my extended family members and make them her brainwashed minions, by being so sticky nice, but bad-mouthing me, I've noticed, whenever convenient. The worst I did was to warn my cousin's wife that the sil'sstories should be taken with a grain of salt. I could have said that she is a complete and total liar, but I didn't. I don't know how to tell anyone tha, but I know my mother and my aunt will have some chat time, and I really hope that my brother's confession (that he feels the sil lies all the time about everything, and that he told her  he doesn't trust her at all...) is also brought up. I'm just so sick of her being in our group. She is not family to me. She's a parasite. And they're bringing another child into a relationship that is on the brink of self-destruction.

My mother recently said she wishes that my brother had never married her. For my mom to say that is pretty significant (while I say I wish he'd never met her), since my mom is super into "love each other", being beatific and all the stuff that goes with doing the end of Christendom that is about what Jesus was about - love and forgiveness. But it's true. If my brother had known what was coming, he would not have done it. I still can't believe he deluded himself for so long. It was easier for the rest of us, not living in the same room as her, but my hubby and I still knew much earlier that she was poison. Now my brother is stuck, unless he can do something to set himself up being the better option as a custodial parent. It's sad to look at it that way, but I'd rather he go through the misery of divorcing the nut than spend the rest of his life being miserable in his relationship. He'll suffer, the (shudder) children will suffer...and she'll be reigning supreme as the psycho in residence. 

Well, the only reason I'm bitching here again is because I've been bottling up my unhappiness again, and it's never good, because I find myself crying at inopportune times. It's been really eating at me with all this family arriving soon as well. I mean, my parents each only have one sibling, one living all the way out west, the other out of the country. I never had loads of family around growing up. It was rare to see the ones who lived out of country, and we traveled west every other year to see the others. Sometimes I was a little jealous of the kids that had masses of cousins, and other relaitves around...but that's my issue, obviously. The sil, on the other hand, has a father with six siblings, and her mother's sib, all within just a few minutes of each other, really. She's glutted with family, family she seems to mostly like, so why doesn't she plague them more? She is happy to invite them all to my nephew's birthday, so that they get two truckloads of gifts for him every year (she is all about getting prezzies - she went so far, on her own birthday, to demand that her friends give her presents via a myspace bulletin - ftw???), but maybe they can't stand her, I don't know.

Anyway...enough ranting for now. I feel marginally better after a little splenation. Now to see about loading photoshop onto this rig so I can play with pictures and make art. Maybe. I want coffee!!!

Apr. 29th, 2008

out with a ????

Talked face to face with the brother - who had some revelations - but in light of my last email, which had numbered out for him what we've been upset about, and that respekt is not a thing which one finds in the bottom of the Happy Meal - he fnally expressed regret/remorse/whatever. He also said that he and the sil are somewhat on the rocks - that he suspects she got pregnant on purpose (she's on the pill) - and that a baby won't save the marriage (the unspoken part being that the "if it's doomed, then nothing will save it").
She's been telling everyone (outside our family) that she doesn't have to help move, that she shouldn't be expected to do anything, b/c she's pregnant. FTW??? She could be honest and say, I don't f***ing feel like doing anything, and it's not likely to change. But that would require her being honest, and as the brother told me today - he informed her that he has zero trust in her right now - which is pretty sad - because she lies to him all the time as well.
I have no real desire to see them bust up (that would be 2 brothers with divorces) - especially since I have the nagging suspicion that it would get nasty very quickly - and the only person who would pay a huge price for that is my nephew. And I think that she could someday come to maturity, but it will be kicking and screaming, facing into her problems, and admitting that she has got some major issues.
All in all, it's been one of those days where a lot comes at you pretty quickly...but at least he and I talked, and perhaps he finally has some understanding of what has been going on with us and why we've been so upset with them. He also sees now that she played all of us, to the point of playing us off one another. Straight up manipulation to keep her own fat out of the fire, I think.

I mean, I am ready to admit that I have my own host of faults - but I try really hard to work on what I'm aware of, and try to fix the things I've messed up on in the past. The fact that my sister and I are friends as adults is testament to the both of us working on our faults, for instance. And I am sure that I have lots to work on in the rest of my time here on P.E. - but the sil sits around and tells herself that she's fine, nothing is at all wrong with her, that it's other people's expectations which make her look bad...suuuuuure. 

cleansing breaths

I don't have the energy to write about what my brother has been flaming me with since yesterday. I sent him an email (since he told me he was moving out by email), asking why he'd still left a lot of stuff in the garage (didn't even mention that there's still laundry in basement, and junk in apartment), and whether he was planning on paying us for the last week - I was terse about it, since my husband was sitting in a black state after the sil gushed to him about how "HUGE" their new house is. He proceeded to go back to his old rampage about wanting to sell this house, that he hates it, all that stuff. Brother doesn't know how many times my hubby and I duked it out over not selling (ergo, not leaving them on the street) . He's a dipshit, and came back to me with this nonsense about "you ain't respektin' me" - and it would have been laughable except that he really pissed me off, so I fired something back at him. See, he keeps saying to me that we owe them for "helping" us out with finances. And I keep saying that we would not have bought this stupid house but for them. Is he brain-damaged? I think so. Besides, his assumption hangs on his mistaken belief that we were paying 800 a month inclusive of taxes and insurance, for our mortgage. I told him the reality, and he countered with his thought that we must have gotten a crooked deal from our mortgage company. I can't even begin to tell you how ridiculous that is. He just has no clue how a mortgage works. A house, like our, which is listed at 165k, is not 165k when you sit down to sign for it, and my sil would know that, since she was in the room when we signed. The end cost was more like 173k, which is a little startling to think about, especially since we've paid down maybe 5k of the principle in the 3 years of the mortgage. Whee! And this was with a 6% apr, which was really good for right then. Now, we need to look at refi, and see how much we could save a month, since the fed has dropped rates so sharply. It might mean that we don't need to find someone to rent from us, which would be my preference, at least for right now. Reminds me that I need to drop that bug in my hubby's ear again, as he's probably forgotten.
Then the brother was continuing his "I can has respekt, gives it to me" nonsense, which consisted primarily of asserting that we'd not let them have ANY laundry time...in the washer/dryer that my husband and I bought (and are still paying for). WTF? Were we contractually obligated to let them use it? No. Neither for his, "you had stuffs on MY side of the garage", which is utter crap, since I told them all the time that it wasn't their side of the garage, but that they could have his tools in there if wanted - I just would prefer (which I said many times) that we use that space for strollers and kids' stuff. He is smoking a serious pipe if he thinks that I gave him license to do whatever he wanted.

Anyway, long and short, he's probably not going to come around. He's clearly a lot bigger bonehead than I gave him credit for. What he doesn't know is that my parents agree with me, and so does my sister. And everyone who could see what a slovenly hellholle they had created for themselves. Neither of them knows that our neighbors, for three years, had been not having social events so that they wouldn't feel like they had to invite my brother and his slightly schizo wife. That the neighbors had been wondering whether we too were slightly mad - since the only visible part of the living style was what the sil and the brother were faiing to do, i.e. have any sense of cleanliness and sanitary measures. She also did things like pull her shirt all the way up to show one set of neighbors how her sunburn looked, and tell them that she could see into their house, that she'd been watching their t.v., in fact, through the window. No wonder they were freaked out.

Now the skies are clearing...hopefully. I doubt that things will be peachy keen with us right away, or even in a year's time. The other thing that they don't seem to know is that we'd be able to get back to better days if they would own up to their mistakes, apologize for treating us like dirt, and give us the chance to get past our hurt.

Mar. 24th, 2008

when is ugly betty coming back?

Ok...I've been trying to just let stuff go, because the sil and my brother are purportedly saving money to move out of here. I told the sil that she could not do her gardening here this year, because she always lets everything die, and it's infuriating for me to see that space, that I would have done something with, just wasted because she can't be bothered to water anything. So she's using her parents' space this year, awesome, let them yell at her because she never follows through.
She still so self-involved, though. She only ever sees what impacts her. I don't even really have the energy to talk about every little thing right now, but I'm almost dreading them leaving, because my husband will then see all the damage they've done, and go ballistic, and I will have to deal with it, because this is apparently my lot right now, to be the whipping post. The stove is missing a burner down there, the dishwasher is trashed, et cetera. I will fix as much as I can, and we hope to partially furnish it to rent it out again. I'd prefer to have it all converted back to a one-family, but until we can afford to lose the extra money that comes in (it all goes to bills, believe me), we must have that space paying for itself.
She did set up an egg hunt for the kids yesterday, which was nice of her, but it doesn't undo all the other stuff. What I do know is that my mother finally told her mother that my hubby and I made some huge sacrifices by deciding to buy this house with the intent of helping those two schmucks out. Shortly after that, a gift for me arrived from her mother. Gee...maybe she realized that these past three years would have been them living with her parents if not for us??? The gifts ought to go to my hubby, though, who is the hero, despite his mental gyrations and unhappiness with life here at what he lovingly calls the "shithole". He's the one working his brains out to provide for us AND the ingrates. If I could figure out how to get a small job while caring for two kids, I would do it, but right now, it would mean working late at night, and doing childcare, and I'm not sure if I would survive that. Anyway, we're doing better now, and he's getting a promotion soon. If we can just save some money off, things might even out. Maybe. Someday.

Feb. 19th, 2008

Writer's Block: Last Twenty Bucks

List three things you'd buy with your last $20. One practical, one frivolous and one of your choosing.
A giant sack of dried beans would be the practical. A book would be the one of my choosing. The frivolous would be...a packet of shiny black sequins.

Feb. 15th, 2008

(no subject)

 snagged from </a></font></b></a>
I knew I wouldn't end up in Gryffindor -

[ ] You've never done illegal drugs.
[ ] You have a lot of friends (I'm not counting online).
[ ] You get along with everyone.
[ ] You haven't made fun of someone for at least two months.
[ ] You love soccer.
[ ] You love baseball.
[x] You're into writing and art.
[ ] Favorite music genre is pop rock.
[x] You believe in "innocent until proven guilty" theory.
[ ] Abortion is wrong.
[x] The war against Iraq is unneeded.
[ ] One of your favorite colors is red or gold.
[X] Good grades at school.
[ ] One of the worst things you can do is lie.
[x] You plan on going to college/university. (did go, so guess that counts)

[ ] You're content with mostly everything in your life right now.
[x] You laugh a lot.
[ ] You like to follow trends.
[ ] Politics suck.
[x] You love to swim.
[ ] Water polo is awesome.
[ ] Pink is one of your favorite color.
[ ] Black is morbid & depressing, but you still like it though.
[ ] Michael Jackson is talented as a musical artist.
[X] You're an optimist.
[ ] You're completely straight-edge.
[X] You're very emotional.
[ ] Rap, R&B, & hip-hop is your favorite music genre.
[ ] You don't believe in going steady at a young age.
[ ] You've made fun of at least one person this week.

[x] You're depressed to a certain extent.
[x] You love to read.
[x] You appreciate theatre & arts.
[ ] Sports suck. Especially in school.
[x] You're shy.
[X] Hate is completely unneeded.
[X] Loyalty is the MOST important thing in a relationship
[ ] Indie is your favorite genre of music.
[x] Every once in awhile you have little anger outbursts.
[x] Lying is sometimes okay.
[ ] Red is one of your favorite colors (Ravenclaw, how?).
[ ] Serious is better than funny.

[x] There's at least one person you hate.
[ ] Basketball is a good sport.
[ ] Football is amazing.
[x] Black is a cool color.
[x] You've lied about something serious.
[x] You're a very deep person.
[ ] You have considered suicide.
[x] Very loyal (to a select few).
[x] You like metal.
[ ] They make school seem more important than it is.
[ ] You're scared to grow up.
[ ] You've done drugs in the past month. (discounting nicotine / alcohol)
[ ] Anger is one of your primary feelings.
[ ] You have trust issues.
[ ] Guilty until proven innocent.

Feb. 11th, 2008

Writer's Block: A Favorite Poem

What is one of your favorite poems?
 This poem is one of my favorites - he loves her not in spite of her flaws, but because of them, and cannot imagine the world without that in his life. It's far more honest than most soppy poetry - and it really speaks to me because of how I know I am (walking into a dozen things every day), but also because it reminds me to love the people in my life, even when they're doing things that are beyond comprehension.

 John Frederick Nims' Love Poem

My clumsiest dear, whose hands shipwreck vases,
At whose quick touch all glasses chip and ring,
Whose palms are bulls in china, burs in linen,
And have no cunning with any soft thing

Except all ill-at-ease fidgeting people:
The refugee uncertain at the door
You make at home; deftly you steady
The drunk clambering on his undulant floor.

Unpredictable dear, the taxi drivers' terror,
Shrinking from far headlights pale as a dime
Yet leaping before apopleptic streetcars—
Misfit in any space. And never on time.

A wrench in clocks and the solar system. Only
With words and people and love you move at ease;
In traffic of wit expertly maneuver
And keep us, all devotion, at your knees.

Forgetting your coffee spreading on our flannel,
Your lipstick grinning on our coat,
So gaily in love's unbreakable heaven
Our souls on glory of spilt bourbon float.

Be with me, darling, early and late. Smash glasses—
I will study wry music for your sake.
For should your hands drop white and empty
All the toys of the world would break.

Jan. 29th, 2008

What Do You Have To Say? - Some New Creative Skills

What new artistic or creative skills would you like to learn this year?
 More photography skills. I just need a camera!
We have this little, teeny weeny digital camera that my husband bought as he was leaving to go on business to Italy, and it just doesn't keep up with anything but unmoving landscape. Our kids are blurs in most shots.
I would really like to work on light and composition, and get some good keepsake shots of them, and of the rest of the family.

Jan. 24th, 2008


 So the library thing has been resolved...but the items not located. Am I surprised? Ha!!!!
I'm restless as always. I wish I could focus this craziness into overflowing creativity.

I have become aware of the fact that the sil and my brother have been having their "Mom's Club" dropping off meals every other day while my brother is recovering from his surgery. Whatever. Fine. My mother was a little pissed to hear that the same group had dropped off an entire Thanksgiving meal, in her words, "...as though they were destitute." I do agree with that. Where do they get off accepting it, instead of saying, "geez, we really appreciate the thought, but there has got ot be some family that needs this more than we do." She goes around telling people that they can't afford anything, but I see evidence that they can afford booze, which I have said before, I think. They also had two thanksgiving meals with each of their families. And their respective families would never let them go hungry, if it were actually that bad. I bought them food over the summer when my brother was between active paychecks and getting disability pay. That was despite not wanting to be near her at all.
Not only that, but she apparently got herself a credit card that he was not aware of, and charged it on up until he caught up with it. I have screwed up my own finances in the past, but I never secretly charged on a card that nobody knew about.
She's been selling stuff off on ebay, and I had to actually step in and remind her that I had let her borrow kids' clothes in the past, and to please not sell those, because she was planning on ditching baby stuff. I'm willing to bet that a lot of what I loaned her is gone, though. It too was a lesson in not loaning her anything. I actually found a loaned t-shirt in the garbage, in the basement. Nothing was wrong with it, it was just tossed out, probably because she didn't remember where she'd gotten it from.

My little one, we think, has a photographic memory. He poured his Thomas trains out onto the floor the other day, looked for a split second at the pile, and said, :"Where's Sir Handel?" I mean, it was so fast, that it took me about half a minute or longer to sift through and confirm that it was not there, and we went to find it. He also "memorizes" tv show episodes, so that he knows what is about to happen, down to what is about to appear onscreen, after only one viewing.

Great site:
Has links to authors' blogs, including Neil Gaiman, who is much more interesting that I would have really thought.

ok...off to actual productivity

Jan. 16th, 2008

the icing on the cake

 and a shitcake it be.

My mudder called me yesterday to inform me, in a slightly, "Now, are we losing it," voice, that a cop from their town is tracking down people with lost library items. WTF?!?!? There is a reason why that town's cops are referred to commonly as "Insert town name overkill". I'm talking about a simple pull-over that requires half the force stopping to see if any sitting around and pointing fingers is needed on the call.
ANYway, I'm thinking already that this sounds suspect. I returned everything I ever took out of that damn library. But I go online, pull up my account, and find that there are 3 cd's listed as lost. Titles that I know I didn't have out.
Well, here is the thing. Last year, when I was trying to still keep the peace by being nice to the SIL and take her places b/c she had no car, I let her use my library card one day when we were there. Then I caught up with the fact that stuff was late, and I gave her a list of the items, told her she had to return them right away, and to let me know that she had. This is the consequence thinking that you can trust someone like her, I guess. 
This is second in line from the previous post, that my mother has been fully aware of, and I can't imagine how she thinks that the SIL has any redeeming qualities at this point. These are just two in a long line of pointless deceptions, obviously. There could be piles upon piles of others, but I'm not getting het up about it anymore. It's just kind of, what else is new?
My brother finally had his surgery on Mon. I don't think he's that badly off, but the SIL seems to want to milk it as much as is possible. She actually emailed me last night (figgers), and I see it this am, thinking that she'll be trying to snivel at me about the library thing, but no, she wants me to basically take care of him today. Uh, what? I don't think I frickin' signed on, nor did anyone ask me in person, least of all my own brother. Supposedly there are supposed to be all his friends taking time to come up here all week to sit with him, and, as was the case yesterday when I went down to hand him the list of lost cd's and gently ask him to get her to look for them, he and said friends were sitting around watching movies.
Not right. Not even asking whether I might have been planning to do anything. I'll set him up this am if he wants me to, but I had stuff I was going to go do. Screw her.

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